I am woman.....

save me....

This is a difficult write, but as women from all over the world, are tuning in to the Lindsay Clancy trial, I feel that I'm good company to chat about the baby blue days. Many of us are recognising, some of the same mental health issues L suffered post birth, in ourselves. Not surprising really and if nothing else, her trial has opened the conversation around post birth psychosis.

For many, I'm sure the trial is quite triggering.

It's not just a question of hormones but also it is.

Child birth is natural they say! Our bodies are made for it! Our one job on this earth is to produce!

To be honest, any one of those statements can make any one us feel like a failure!

The thing is, it's way more complex than that and then some.

My question is;

How do we start teaching our partners to spot the signs, early enough to support a woman in postpartum crisis? When do we start educating them in time to stop tragedies like L's? How do we make it second nature for men/women to love, support and advocate for their partners when things don't feel, look or sound right?

If a mother tells you she has thoughts of harming her child and you don't act, then you won't be surprised at what comes next.

The shaming of women starts early and ends in the fear of sharing real feelings.

They call her 'crazy'....how the fuck does that help?

It doesn't!

That awkward chat about the Birds and the Bees really needs to be a lifelong, rolling, detailed, expanded conversation with our sons and daughters, generation to generation, making sure everyone understands the realities of pregnancy, birth and beyond, warts n all! The whole holistic messy shebang, leave no story untold! We also need to raise future dads that opt in, not out, at the first sign of trouble.

I have always wished that all prospective parents could attend partnering and parenting classes before marriage and babies! Forearmed is forewarned! We aren't all born knowing everything! It would sure level the playing field a bit and start the conversation within your own villages.

Marriage and or partnering is lovely, a big adventure, so exciting, then suddenly the baby is on board and those pesky hormones are wild and untamed. It can be very scary for both partners.

Sometimes post birth we do think fleeting dark thoughts and theres no wonder because the mental, physical and emotional load is huge!

We are exhausted!

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, make no mistake!

Our bodies are broken, sore, those hormones are raging and we no longer recognise ourselves in the mirror! Suddenly there's a helpless tiny human relying on us for EVERYTHING! Mostly we can power through with help and we don't sink deep into the black hole never to return thank goodness, but more often than we'd like to believe, our fellow new mothers are sinking unnoticed. They are drowning.

It does take a village to notice the suffering and do something about it. In L's case, it's clear that many of her close family recognised the problem and that she herself consistently asked for help, including from medical professionals. That’s what makes this case even harder to listen to, because she wasn't hiding her struggle and she was screaming for help.

Communication is key to getting that conversation started in the first place. Entering the pregnancy journey together open, honest and feeling heard will help when the mood changes and things feel out of control. Great relationships are built on a foundation of trust, support, love and realising that there will be times you need to lean in on each other. Even if you are on the journey to birth, unsupported by a live in partner, having great familial relationships will help.

Family, Friends and medical gaslighting?

All too common all over the Western world and her husband took the approach, I can only describe as sheer neglect! He abandoned his wife and their children. I will leave the rest of my opinions about him there for now.

What goes on behind closed doors eh?

There are so many red flags in his testimony and I sincerely hope that one day, this sort of neglect is marked as an accessory to the loss of life here. He clearly contributed to what happened even though he's not on trial. He should be.

I personally went down the dark rabbit hole a few times during my first pregnancy and actually recognise now that due to severe all day sickness, which lasted 6 months or more, I was rather depressed! Not really surprising really is it, because we are sold the 'blooming' bit and not the rather frightening and ugly possibilities of a complicated pregnancy and birth.

Even the best of pregnancies and births, don't protect you from postpartum mental health issues, nor do you have to come from a poor background, be poorly educated or anything like. There is no way to tell how any one woman will feel after birth!

It really is a bit of a gamble isn't it?

First or fourth child? Who knows what’s coming and each baby/child gets a different version of their mother and father. Sadly experience doesn't make mum immune to postpartum issues. When it strikes, it strikes and it can be mild or severe. It can be fatal.

All we can do is make sure the failsafes are in place!

We ladies grow humans.

Think about that for a minute!

What a bloody miracle!

We carry in us the ability to give life.

There is magic at play but also complex hormones and systems needed to make it all happen! I'm pretty sure that to give birth to a live human, we give a lot of ourselves in the process! In many ways, we are forever changed from the point of conception!

When my first child was born he was a screamer and we both really struggled with that. I was far from home, on an Armed forces estate in Germany. My friends were as young and as inexperienced as I! My husband was as green as any 21 year old male is, we got through it but I don't know how!

Excuse me! I ordered a perfect, chubby, contented baby! Where is he?

HELP!

I do remember a couple of times, I just couldn't cope with the screaming any longer, so I popped him in his cot, locked up and took the dog for a walk for 10 minutes! I had to and was able to cope better thereafter for making that decision! It wasn't ideal but it was 1990 and I didn't have the knowledge or experience, so I chose the only thing I could think of to keep him safe. I don't think I've ever experienced anything so hard as a baby that struggled to eat and sleep. He definitely wasn't a content baby or toddler but things gradually improved with time, a lot of time. He finally started sleeping better as he reached school age! I still remember getting up with him as a toddler more than 6 times a night and then I would go to work as only a 20 something could!

That baby is now 37!

Every mother has a unique post birth story to tell! We need to parcel them all up and make them all the book of knowledge, used in family education and medical research!

Women are consistently medically gaslit from the cradle to the grave and it really is high time that stopped! We need a women's health Zar and it would be great if women and men could be part of the team!

If you know a mother to be or a new mother, look out for her, offer help where you can, you never know you could be saving a life!

D x